Instruct Your Lover So They Can Hear It
Clients frequently complain about some aspect of how their partner makes love. They don’t like how he kisses, or how she performs oral sex. And they claim that they have been telling them how to do it “right” and their partners just don’t get it. So how can you instruct your lover to touch you in the ways you enjoy so they actually hear you? How can you get what you want in a way that doesn’t tear them down?
Stop the Complaining
Have you ever been in a situation either with an employer, lover or family member where you felt constantly criticized? I have, and it led to me feeling self- doubt, and discouragement. When it goes on long enough, you feel despair and hopelessness. Succeeding seems impossible, so you just give up.
The message I got growing up was that you focus on what’s wrong and complain until you get it changed. Even though I knew the ill effects of this technique, this is what I learned from observing my mother and other women. So in the past, when I was the one needing to offer correction and direction, I turned into either a nag, or a bully. The people around me felt like they could never get it right, so why even try. I wasn’t getting my needs met, so felt constantly thwarted, and unsatisfied. The good news is, that you can instruct your lover in a way that is loving, fun, and way more effective.
Giving Direction without Judgement
Being a leader, whether it is in your home, or the workplace, requires you to train people. The renowned motivational speaker, Dale Carnegie, in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People, listed these suggestions for changing people without giving offense or arousing resentment:
- Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
- Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
- Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
- Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
- Let the other person save face.
- Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
- Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
- Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
- Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
The POP Training™ Technique
I use a technique I call POP Training™. The goal is to offer direction in a way that both parties win. You get what you want, and the other person gets to feel great about themselves for succeeding. It’s a three step process.
- Step one, offer praise, or acknowledgement.
- Step two, give the person a concrete action they can take.
- Step three, acknowledge even the slightest movement in the direction of your correction or request.
Here is a real-life scenario. I send my husband grocery shopping. He gets the wrong type of apples. The old me would have said “I can’t believe you got red delicious. Don’t you know I hate red delicious? I wanted fuji. Fine, I’ll live with them.” All the while, my poor husband who thought he was a hero for literally, bringing home the bacon, is shrinking. And growing gradually more deaf. Also, he is not too inclined to go shopping the next time!
Utilizing POP Training™, it would look like this: Praise, Offer direction, Praise again. “Wow, honey, thanks for doing the shopping. Next time, can you get fuji apples? They are my favorite. Fantastic.” And the next time he brings me a fuji apple. . . wow, thanks for getting the fujis. These look fantastic!”
In the workplace, this might sound like “Susan, thanks for getting those figures to me so quickly. Can you put them in a spreadsheet format?” And once done, “Excellent job, this layout makes it so easy to read.”
That second statement of praise is key to the success of the process. And if you want to give a second direction, it needs to be sandwiched between two acknowledgements of it’s own. No fair going from Step 3 of the previous cycle directly to step two of the next one. That feels like constant correction.
This technique is really effective at home. It works particularly well in the sensual arena, where there is a wide divergence between what people like. One women’s “oh yeah” is another’s “ouch.” The POP Technique™ can help you “find the spot” without breaking up the action.
Instruct Your Partner in the Bedroom
Imagine your partner is having a hard time finding your clitoris. Instead of lying there getting frustrated, or subtly trying to shift yourself to the right place, you could say, “Your hands are so nice and warm, could you rub a little to the left? Thanks that is so much better.” (If they are still not on the spot, stick with it!) “You are using just the right pressure, could you rub a little more to the left? Aah that’s perfect.” You’ve praised, corrected and praised again. You get stroked just how you like it. Your partner feels like a rock star.
A secondary benefit of this technique is that it brings more to your awareness all the things you have to appreciate. One of my mentors, Victor Baranco (founder of Lafayette Morehouse) says “It’s nice to feel enthusiastic about life.” The more you focus on what’s good, the more of that you get.
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