Breaking the Silence

Building a healthy and fulfilling relationship requires open communication, trust, and understanding. It can be especially vulnerable sharing your desires with a partner, particularly if you have already decided that it won’t be well received.

One crucial aspect of couple’s communication is discussing boundaries and desires together. Initiating this conversation might seem daunting, but it is a crucial step toward creating a strong foundation for your relationship. i’Im going to give you some practical tips on how to approach this sensitive topic with sensitivity and respect.

  1. Choose the Right Time and Place:

Timing is key when it comes to discussing intimate matters. Find a quiet and private setting where both you and your partner can feel comfortable and focused. Avoid initiating such conversations during times of stress or when either of you is preoccupied with other matters. And definitely don’t initiate it in the middle of getting naked. Invite your partner to a brainstorming session, or say, “Could you help me with something?” rather than starting with the dreaded, “We need to talk.”

  1. Be Honest and Transparent:

Approach the conversation with honesty and transparency. Clearly express that you want to talk about boundaries and desires to strengthen your connection and ensure both partners feel fulfilled. This sets the tone for a constructive and open dialogue. It can help to have your thoughts written out, with bullet points of what you’d like to discuss.

  1. Start with Positive Affirmations:

Begin the conversation by highlighting the positive aspects of your relationship. Share what you appreciate about your partner and the relationship. This helps create a positive atmosphere, making it easier for both of you to discuss more sensitive topics later on. Want more ideas for how to teach a partner how touch you? I teach very specific language and communication techniques in the Intro to Pillowtalk Webinar.

  1. Use “I” Statements:

When discussing boundaries and desires, use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs. This approach reduces the likelihood of sounding accusatory and helps your partner understand your perspective without feeling attacked. For example, say “I feel” instead of “You always.”

  1. Active Listening:

Encourage your partner to share their thoughts and feelings. Practice active listening by giving them your full attention, making eye contact, and nodding to show that you are engaged. Reflect back to them what you heard them say, and ask if you got that correct or is there more before responding. you may have to teach them this style of conversation, by asking for it first. For example, “I would like to share some things with you and I just want listening, not problem solving at first.”

  1. Explore Each Other’s Boundaries:

Gently delve into the topic of boundaries by asking questions like, “What activities make you uncomfortable?” or “Are there specific limits you’d like to discuss?” Be open to hearing their perspective and be prepared to share your own boundaries as well. A great tool for exploring desires and boundaries can be a “yes or nah” questionnaire. I love this one because it is really thorough, by Heather Corinna & CJ Turett, at  It can help to get clear about what your boundaries are. For example, do you hate when he calls you his dirty girl, or do you love it? Sensual contact should never be something you tolerate. I once worked with a couple where the wife was asexual. When I accepted her just the way she was, there was such a relaxation in her world. No one had ever validated that she was allowed to not like sex. Once we got really clear on where she was, we brainstormed how it could work for them as a couple for her husband to get his needs met that didn’t make her always feel like a failure, and him feel unwanted.

  1. Discuss Desires With Sensitivity:

When discussing desires, approach the conversation with sensitivity and respect. Acknowledge that everyone has different needs and desires, and express your own without making your partner feel pressured or uncomfortable. Be open to compromise and finding common ground. Can you practice allowance, and not judge? Refrain from jumping to the conclusion that because they have this desire, you  must sacrifice something in order to meet it.

  1. Respect Differences:

It’s important to recognize that you and your partner may have different boundaries and desires. Embrace these differences as opportunities for growth and understanding. Seek win-win solutions that align with both of your comfort levels and ensure mutual satisfaction.

In Conclusion

Initiating a conversation about boundaries and desires with your partner is an essential step in fostering a healthy and fulfilling relationship. By approaching the topic with honesty, transparency, and sensitivity, you can create a space for open communication and strengthen your connection. Remember, a successful relationship is built on mutual understanding, respect, and a willingness to grow together.

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