Sometimes, I’ll meet someone new and they’ll say, “Oh what you do is so fantastic. A lot of people need to get more in touch with their sensuality.” Then I will say, “How’s your sex life?” and they will look totally shocked. I understand. We are accustomed to small talk, with most people. Our sex lives, we feel, are private. Nobody’s business. But what happens when the sex isn’t working? What are we to do when we want things in the bedroom and don’t know how to ask for them? How about those of you who want more or less sex than your partner, and the arguments about this leave you both scarred and angry? How long can you keep silent, enduring the discomfort of unfulfilled longing, or the fear of losing your partner because you can’t figure out how to resolve this yourselves?
- The first thing to know is, you are not alone. Sexual disorders and dysfunction affect as much as 50% of the population.
- There are solutions available. Almost all difficulties in the bedroom such as low libido, failure to achieve orgasm, erectile dysfunction, or painful intercourse have either a physical or psychological source
- Breaking your silence with a trained professional is the first step in finding answers. In the 1960s a woman who couldn’t achieve orgasm was labelled irretrievably frigid. You no longer have to suffer in silence.
- Sex and sensuality coaching are all-natural remedies. Although chemical solutions for women are being worked on, and viagra is omnipresent, many sexual dysfunctions can be addressed through education, talk, and body work.
Where do you start? Admit to yourself that there is a problem. The problem could range from that you want to experiment with a different kind of sex, and feel you can’t bring it up with your partner, to the fact that you have been faking orgasm all through your marriage. We have been given bodies with sexual desires for a reason, and an inability to experience this God-given pleasure is not “normal.” One of the things I used to do early on in my journey to sexual wholeness was go to sex toy shops. Not the sleazy ones that used to populate Times Square, but nice high end ones like Eve’s Garden in New York City, or Good Vibrations in San Francisco. I never bought anything. Just seeing the things there, and knowing someone else was using them, got me more comfortable with my own desires. After a trip or two, you might be inspired to buy a book. This way, you can start doing some research from the privacy of your own home.
At some point, the pain of being unfulfilled will hopefully become greater than the fear of revealing yourself. Then you can begin to look for a practitioner who you trust, who works in a way that appeals to you. Some sex coaches use body work, some do only talk sessions. I work over skype, and use my Barbara Brennan Energy healing training to support physical integration of emotional and thought changes. When I work with people over time, they can meet with me either as individuals or couples for education and hands on body work. Most coaches and body workers will offer a free consultation, so you can get to know them first, before trusting them with your personal information. I offer half-hour Gratified Life Discovery Sessions, to explore what things you might like to talk about, and whether we are compatible.
Sexual shame runs deep in our culture, at the same time that we use half naked women to sell everything from cars to beer. Be gentle with yourself, and know that there are people who have had to travel this road before you and can lovingly guide you on your journey when you are ready. Be courageous, and know that in asking for help, you are actively reaching for the biggest, best and most powerful expression of who you can be.