People Want to Know

Pleasure Evolution produces many social events, including Sensuality Circles and Play Parties. For a description of a Play Party, check out our previous article HERE. Whenever a sensual or sexual event is announced, we are often asked “What is the gender balance?”.

A majority of the time this question is asked by heterosexual men, and occasionally by women.  Almost unanimously, this isn’t the real question they want answered. What women really want to know is “Will I be safe? Will I be expected to play or interact with people I don’t want to?” Why do the men ask this question? They are trying to guess their chances at getting what they want, which is attention from women, particularly sexual attention from women. It all boils down to the real question. . .

Will I Be Able to Get My Needs Met? This is a question that pertains to all relationships, not just mixers. The mindsets we are talking about are worth exploring, however you are meeting potential partners.

Emotional Safety

More than anything, people want to be safe when they explore matters of intimacy and sexuality.  According to statistics, 60% of women have experienced some kind of sexual trauma. We often live in a double standard, where if we don’t want sex, we are labeled as frigid, and if we do embrace our sexuality, we are labeled sluts. Women want to know if they will be outnumbered and taken advantage of. At any class or event we facilitate, our cornerstones are consent and boundaries. We invite people to explore their appetites, and knowing your Yes and No are of paramount importance. It doesn’t matter how many people make you offers, once you find your voice, you can say no and feel good about it.

Sex versus Connection

Men are afraid they will be rejected, or found wanting. They think more men means more competition. The truth is, you could be the only guy there, and no woman wants to interact with you. Men have a habit of approaching women with expectations and hopes. At a play party these revolve around a particular sex act. Do you know why this is an undesirable way of thinking? Because your mentality and the thoughts in your head dictate the reality around you. If you approach women like a hunter looking for prey, that is exactly how you are perceived; as a predator. Women won’t feel safe and will close down. Now, not only have you ruined any chance you had at having a pleasurable experience, but you’ve made another person feel threatened. Can you see how this behavior stands in the way of pleasure?
And you know what we’ve observed? What people really want is attention, and affection. And yet they make requests that start out with extremely intimate sex, because so many of us are starving for touch, dying for ecstasy. The best way of approaching a potential lover is with a mindset of wanting an experience of intimacy and connection, with no expectation of how that will look.  If you go into a room thinking that you MUST have intercourse in order for your presence to be a ‘success’, then you’ve already failed.  This very same philosophy can be applied to your everyday life, dating or otherwise.  Your fellow human can perceive if you have an expectation of behavior.  When you have an open and inviting presence, people will respond positively.  Predatory behavior will put you in the company of sleazy used car salesmen, porn directors and stalkers.

Beyond the Binary

In our increasingly diverse ways of expressing ourselves, what someone looks like may not indicate what’s under the wrappings. What does the headcount matter if all the men play with other men? Or women with women? What matters is, next time you’re thinking of attending an event, maybe don’t worry so much about the gender balance. Think about what you really want and need. Be willing to treat your life as an experiment! Be open to intimacy that doesn’t look like sex. You might find the connection you seek is more readily available.
Join us this Saturday for a Lammas Celebration and Ecstatic Play Party! Click here.


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©Rebekah Beneteau and Trevor Jones, 2015. Rebekah and Trevor are Sex, Kink and Intimacy Coaches, and Sex Educators based in Asheville, NC.They fuse humor, compassion and spirituality into their mission to transform the world through Authentic Sexuality.  Learn more about them and their work at
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