I used to wake up every morning and the first thought I had was, “what do I have to do today?” Before I had even gotten out of bed, I would go through my list of tasks , both personal and professional. As I went to bed, I would decide the value of my day by how many things I got ticked off my list. And then I hit an emotional bottom that is familiar to many entrepreneurs; that clunk when you realize you work most of the time and you’re slowly going broke. This is embarrassing to me as an advocate for pleasure, to admit that I was feeling like a round peg trying to be square. Well, they say most healers are incapable of healing themselves. I was also not succeeding, at least by the standard I was measuring myself against, of financial success.
I’ve spent the last four weeks in travel, reflection and rejuvenation. In late June, I put all my belongings in storage and hit the road with my daughter and Pandora the Pleasure Puppy. We spent a week in NYC visiting family. And then I spent two more weeks in Lancaster, PA, alone for a few days, but mostly with dear friends. One landmark day, I spent all my time watching season one of The L Word, broken up by occasional blackberry picking, walking the dog, and flirting with people on OK Cupid. I felt as if I had woken up from a nightmare in which I had to prove my worth every day by how much I got done, and what an effective business woman I was being. My value was rising and falling by whether I got enrollment in my latest class or coaching program. Granted, I was doing all these things in a more pleasurable way than most, I am a committed hedonist, after all. But the truth was, that I was not living from my soul.
Now I have a new question that I wake up with every day. How do I want to feel? Calm, productive, turned-on, energized, happy, free? Then I set my intention for that. There is a companion question that I consider too. Who do I want to be? The answer is always some variation on Completely Myself. I want to be what Spirit intends me to be. I want to be a stand for everyone to love and accept all parts of themselves, and therefore, I have to lead the way.
This is my first post since all this re-calibration. I am going to come out of the closet right now, and say that I have made my spiritual connection my number one priority, and my sensual gratification a close second. Being a good mother, daughter, lover friends comes next, and then helping others embrace their Authentic Sexuality through my modeling, teaching and coaching. Following the common wisdom of business and internet marketing isn’t even on the chart. I’ve decided to transform the world one sex life at a time, starting with mine, and trust that if I glow irresistibly, my ideal clients will find me.
I meditate, journal, and spend sensual time every day, and I often channel insights from Source during this time. These messages aren’t just for me, they have wisdom and encouragement for everyone. Even though it scares the crap out of me to let you see this part of me, I’m going to start posting these more regularly on the blog. Here’s one tidbit from the part of myself I call The Scarlet Mystic:
It doesn’t matter who you are, or what it is your soul longs for. Know that you are playing your part in the Master Plan as only you can play it. There is one note that only you can sing and you will find it,if you journey deep into your heart and allow yourself to love what you love, want what you want, and find pleasure where you will. Therein will you find your purpose.
How do you want to feel today?