People ask us whether we push the “poly agenda” or the “mono agenda”
The answer is neither.
We firmly believe that your relationship should be a conscious series of decisions rather than defaulting to the majority. People are very individualistic and we think that sexuality and relationships are equally unique.
So ask yourself and your partner what kind of relationship works for you. Ask a LOT of questions and don’t assume anything is understood without inquiry.
Perhaps you and your partner want a monogamous relationship with occasional sexual forays done together or separately. This is sometimes called being “monogamish”. Maybe you enjoy going to sex parties or swinging, but have no intention of forming outside relationships. Polyamory implies that you will have multiple relationships with various degrees of love and commitment.
Thriving relationships require good communication. Polyamory will multiply that need by the amount of partners involved. Both relationship styles will bring up issues, but different ones. An monogamous relationship can bring up issues around boredom, and restriction. A non-monogamous union can trigger feelings due to time limitations, and equality. Jealousy comes up in all relationships, but will be more provocative when there are more lovers in the mix. Poly is definitely not an easier way to get sex. Poly takes effort and vigilance. That is not to say that monogamy doesn’t, simply that polyamory brings the subjects up more often.
Which relationship style, mono or poly, is right for you?
There is no short answer on this one. Experience is the best teacher, but we can educate ourselves before we jump headfirst into anything. If you have been exclusive and now want to open up your relationship we suggest you read, read, read. Then discuss the subject with your partner. If you are single and considering what lifestyle will suit you best, seek out those that have tried them.
At Pleasure Evolution we try hard to be descriptive of the things we teach rather than prescriptive. We describe those things we’ve seen work. We don’t judge and certainly don’t claim to know more than anyone else, but we can share our experiences, our successes and failures with others.
If you’re wanting to experience and try out some form of non-monogamy, here are some questions you and your partners should ask yourselves.
1. Is your present relationship healthy, happy and stable?
If you’re starting from a traditional monogamous relationship already, then ‘going poly’ is not a ‘cure’ for problems. A successful change in your relationship style is best attempted from a healthy, happy and stable place. Trying on a new relationship style should be seen as something that adds to your already existing relationship. If you’re not in a relationship and are looking to start one as a poly relationship at the beginning, then clear communication about how you will approach future desires and issues should be discussed at length.
2. How do you deal with jealousy?
Humans get jealous. If you think you can avoid it, you’re probably kidding yourself. One man we know didn’t care if his wife had sex
with other people, but he hated watching another man make her laugh. Are you willing to do the work on yourself when feelings of jealousy arise? Only you can decide if the growth, lessons and efforts of coping with jealousy are worth the benefits of poly. Even monogamous people get jealous, oftentimes not even around intimacy or sex. If one person is having jealous thoughts or feelings then it helps if the other partner is willing to listen and try to understand what their partner is going through. Together you can come up with strategies for dealing with unpleasant feelings.
3. Are you willing to engage in complete honesty?
This is equally important for both mono and poly relationships. We believe in being authentic here at Pleasure Evolution. We’d rather hear hard truths than empty platitudes. That being said, there are kinder and harsher ways of communicating. Any relationship gives a lot of opportunities for introspection and growth, as we learn to be vulnerable and share fears, and desires. Any relationship style works better when you are able to speak your needs.
What works for you?
Neither relationship style is better, simply different. And we believe that all relationships are opportunities for personal transformation. People who feel more loved and satisfied are more empowered in the world. Make sure your relationships are constructed consciously and with goals that you both/all discuss, and then be willing to revisit these subjects again.We encourage you to make your own unique relationship, rather than following the status quo.