Have you ever noticed how, sometimes, your partner does something to annoy or anger you? And then, every little thing they do starts to annoy and anger you. So, you get on the phone with a friend and tell them all the ways your mate has failed you, and they agree that it is UNBELIEVABLE what they did, and any sane or caring person would know better. And pretty soon, you are in hate with your partner, and wonder what possessed you to marry them, what were you thinking? And now you are feeling bad about yourself, because you have crummy judgment when it comes to lovers and yada yada.
Yikes! I’m calling this mud-colored glasses as opposed to rose-colored. When we are in this frame of mind, everything looks like sh*t. We’re on a downward spiral that best case scenario leads nowhere but pain, worst case scenario leads to the break-up of a relationship that most of the time sails along really nicely with lots of love and laughter in it. So what happened?
What we focus on grows. By continuing to harp on what went wrong, we start noticing more of the same. By sharing with people who will validate our negativity, we go deeper down the road of victimhood. Blech. Even writing this makes me feel slimy.
Here’s a few steps on how to get up and out of the mud.
1) Remember that nobody can hurt you unless you let them. You really aren’t that fragile. (obviously, I’m not talking about situations where you are getting physically or emotionally abused. If that’s going on, by all means get out)
2) Only share with people who will not agree with your right to negative feelings. They are only reinforcing your image of yourself as a victim.
3) See if you can find positive aspects to what they did, i.e. my husband refusing to sleep in our room until I clean it, actually will lead to me having a more serene and pretty bedroom.
3) Find other positive things about them to notice, and comment on aloud.
4) Find a few more.
5) Take care of yourself. I’m always my most negative when I’m not having enough fun, spiritual connection, or downtime. Where have you been neglecting yourself?
Pretty soon, you will be seeing the good things about your love again, and life will look rosy once more. Every relationship has mud in it sometimes. It is up to you whether you stay in it, or slog your way back out to the beautiful meadow just a few feet away.