Dating is No Fun

That’s right, I said it. For most people, me included, dating feels like a gauntlet you run to get into a relationship. They are like job interviews, with sex at the end. Which is still part of the interview, because if he has great conversational skills but fails miserably at the oral portion, chances are there isn’t going to be another date.

Dating from Curiosity

I’ve been trying something new when I use Bumble. If you don’t know what Bumble is, it’s Tinder lite. You still swipe left or right, and if you both like each other, you get matched. Unlike Tinder, on Bumble, only the woman can make the first move via message. So you don’t get lots of guys going, “Hey” and then sending you a dick pic.

After over a year of not looking, I’m on Bumble. Instead of judging by looks, I ask myself these three questions. Will it be fun? Will it be easy? Will I learn something? If I get a feeling of lightness in my body, that’s a yes. So I message them.

Honestly, this is still online dating. Most of the messages lead nowhere. One guy impressed me by offering to meet for a drink the next night. It had been a while since I was with anyone, and I admit, I even had a condom on me, although I am not usually a hook up kind of woman.I was having a good time. Then he asked me to come back to his place to watch a movie. I said “No thanks, it’s too soon for me. Why don’t we take a walk downtown? He said yes, and took my hand as we walked. But then he repeated his offer to come back to his place. Several times. He took my refusal badly, got really rude, and left me on a dark street corner by myself. He later proceeded to text me that he wasn’t a rapist and why was I so scared. Guys, if you don’t understand why a woman you just met won’t go home with you when you stand a foot taller and outweigh her by 50 pounds, you need to look up empathy in the dictionary.

What if going on dates wasn’t meant to go anywhere? What if you could just go out with someone for the sake of enjoying their company? What if there were no expectations of sex, or marriage? What if you could ask in every moment, what would I like to experience with this person right now?

The Not a Date Date

I go on lots of not a date dates with unsuitable (and by this I mean GAY) men. We adore each other. We are free from expectations. I do all the things with them that I would do with a boyfriend. Well not ALL the things, but everything else. And I allow their sexualness and flirtation to fulfill me without having to do anything with our genitals. So I began asking, “How could I create this with straight men?”

Two of the nicest evenings that I have had lately have been completely spontaneous Not a Date Dates with straight men. The first occurred when I was headed to a movie alone. I was talking to an acquaintance at a meeting and invited him to join me. We enjoyed the film and the conversation, hugged at the end, kiss on the cheek. End of story. I would enjoy seeing him again if the occasion arose, but i don’t feel compelled to chase it. I have made a commitment to myself not to go into romantic fantasy anymore. A date is just a date, not the interview to become each others property.

Where are The Gentlemen?

In The Gentlemen’s Club by Gary Douglas and Dr. Dain Heer of Access Consciousness® it says, “A gentleman is willing to be aware of what a woman desires of him, and to provide it.”

Tonight, my second spontaneous not a date date happened, and so inspired this post. Because this man was a gentleman. Like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex in the City, I shall make up names to protect the innocent.  I did warn him he would end up in the blog. I took myself out to dinner here in Nashville. There was a great country band playing loud, and I was seated right up front. The Professor was seated alone at a table next to me. Since I am deliberately challenging myself to do things outside of my comfort zone, I made eye contact, made a corny joke welcoming him to the lone wolf section, and then invited him to join me. I crave connecting to people. Sure, I was a little scared. What if I get humiliated? On the other hand, how powerful can I become, if I don’t allow myself to take things personally? He said yes. What ensued was a pleasurable meal. He provided company for me when I was feeling alone in a strange town. He even paid for dinner! Which gave me another gift, the opportunity to be a gracious receiver without feeling obligation.  Afterward, we spontaneously strolled the downtown, talking. He waited for my Lyft to arrive. Like a true gentleman. We swapped cards. I may never see him again. If the opportunity arises, I’ll ask myself if it will be fun, will it be easy, and will I learn something?

My evening was lovely. My body feels alive, turned on. And I get to enjoy that vitality for myself, channeled into the post you’re reading now.

What if dating was all for the purpose of turning ourselves on, so that we could create more life?