It is our most pervasive myth: love is something you fall into. You are going along your daily life and BOOM, there she was just a walking down the street! I saw him standing there, and I knew. Cue the soundtrack! We have come to believe in chemistry, and kismet, and that we fall in love, like it was a camouflaged hole that we stumbled upon. The problem with this theory is that we also fall out of love. And then there is all the disappointment, and fingerpointing, and ultimately, we amputate that person from our lives, because the love wasn’t perfect.
Second myth? The idea that we are unloved, until someone comes along with candy and roses. We are so blinded by the desire to be special to one person, that we miss all the instances of love surrounding us. Many of us are dying of thirst, as we stand in the middle of a lake. As Valentine’s Day approaches, I want to start debunking the myth of romantic love, and instill in its’ place the consciousness that Love is something we are. Love is something we give. Love is something we do.
The best explanation of this that I have found comes from Jerry Jud, the founder of Shalom Mountain. He believed that “Love is an Intention,” and he defined a set of Principles and Skills of Loving. He believed that love was an act of will. He believed that we could learn to love. For the next ten days, I’m going to go through all the Principles and Skills of Loving, discovered by Jerry Jud, and write on each one individually. My hope is that, by Valentine’s Day, we will all be more aware of the presence of love right here, right now, and be better lovers too.
More than anything else, we want to love and be loved
It’s easy to think we know what this means. Of course, everyone wants to give and receive love. The key question is how? How do I want to be loved? How do I want to give my love? It turns out there are three factors to consider when you are discovering your own intimacy style; affection, inclusion and control. Everyone’s balance is going to be unique. Knowing how much you want to give and receive in each of these categories can make it easier to find compatible partners. That’s what’s behind the personality tests on the dating websites .So often, we get together with someone and we keep hoping that they will do IT right. And somehow, we don’t feel gratified, or satisfied. I used to love it when Marc brought me my morning tea in bed. But when I made him some lunch and brought it to him while he was working, he hated it. In that instance, he didn’t want to be loved the way I wanted to give it. The good news is we can learn to respond to a request of love from another.
In a true act of love, mutual gratification is happening in the moment. I am doing something for you that I am fulfilled by doing, and you are receiving something that you want to receive. Any time we do something hoping for a payoff after the fact, it’s not love. It’s barter. The most important things are self-knowledge and communication. Being willing to uncover our own needs and desires,and express them to others is key to experiencing love. Also important is recognizing that we can get love from many sources, and not just a romantic partner. The appointment with the hairdresser that makes you look fantastic and has a blast cutting your hair is an exchange of love. She is gratified by your enjoyment, and the joy of her creation.
Tomorrow, Love is a Gift.
Loving you from here,
PS – Want to access your needs and learn how to give and receive love? The Desire Course for Women in Asheville, is this month. Register now and save $50!