Become Your Own Divine Lover
Many of my clients come to me for sex counseling because they are having difficulty finding a partner. Most of them have lots of reasons why this is so, ranging from negative beliefs about themselves, to negative beliefs about the opposite sex. I am fond of saying that you don’t need another person to start having a great sex life. I’m also fond of saying that no one can treat you better than you treat yourself. If your romantic history is checkered with less than loving partners, or you find yourself unwillingly alone, now is the time to start planning a better future. You can actually prepare yourself for the relationship of your dreams, by becoming a Divine Lover to yourself. In my sex coaching practice, I have seen countless men and women attract the partner of their dreams. It starts with working on you!
What is a Divine Lover?
What do I mean by a Divine Lover? I mean a source of unconditional love unto yourself, the boyfriend/girlfriend you always wanted. I don’t know about you, but I have been my own harshest critic. I judge myself by perfectionist standards that I never quite meet, not in my behavior, not my body, not even my thoughts. I long to be taken to fine restaurants for sumptuous meals, but I eat on the run, on paper plates, to keep from having to do dishes. I hunger to touch and be touched, and sometimes, (even savvy sex counselors do this) when I go too long unfulfilled, I have made bad choices about who I shared myself with, just because they were there. The practice I’m going to describe can stop the critical voices. Maybe not the very first time you do it. But if you commit to trying it on a daily basis, you will start to fall in love with yourself. And from that space, magical things have happened. One of my clients was not having any luck on the internet dating sites. She would go out, and no men would look her way. She hired me as her sex coach, and we began talking weekly. At my suggestion, she took herself on this date with the Divine Lover. Suddenly, she was getting messages on OkCupid. Miraculously, she was getting second dates. Now, she has met one man that she really likes, who is totally entranced with her.
How to Date Yourself
When was the last time you took yourself on a date? Today’s the day to plan one! This is not an artist’s date to the museum or Arboretum. This is pampering. This is seduction. This is an evening of creating a temple in your home, and allowing yourself to be both the worshiped and the worshiper. I recommend you set aside a chunk of time, several hours when you will not be disturbed. No kids, cell phone off, work complete enough. The date has several components.
- Preparing your space: You might want to get yourself flowers, or some really nice fruit or dark chocolate. On the night of the date, pretend that you have just found out your favorite celebrity crush is in town, and wants to come see you. They’ll be over in half an hour. Make your bedroom lovely. Put the flowers in a vase, light some candles, hide the piles of laundry under a sarong. As you do this, bring in things that fill all of your senses, sight, smell, touch, taste, hearing. Bring in your ipod and play music that you enjoy. Put on an outfit that makes you feel sexy. Bring in those little treats.
- Gaze upon the Beloved: It’s YOU. Look at yourself in the mirror as if you were looking at a work of art. No fair noticing the things you don’t like. If you find yourself going down this road, mentally stop, and find something you can appreciate. The arch of your eyebrows, the strength of your shoulders. Do this for as long as you can stand it. Look at yourself from different angles. Get a hand mirror and look at your genitals. Try saying out loud the things you want to hear. “I love you.” “You are so beautiful/handsome.” “I want you.” This may be the most important part of the date. I have trained myself to do this every day. Others will see you as you as you see yourself.
- The Gentle Caress: Begin to touch yourself all over. From the top of your head to the soles of your feet. Notice how your skin feels to your palm. Be aware of the touch of your fingertips tracing down your torso. This is so different from how we usually touch ourselves, right? With an intention for release perhaps, done hastily in the dark? Most of the time, we go right for our own genitals, but hope we find a lover who will take time for foreplay. You are a work of art, this miracle of your body. Experiment with different pressures and speeds. You are a scientist gathering research on a brand new species. You are in awe and want to know everything about how it works, what it can do. Everyday, we are brand new. What does your body like now? How does it respond to sensation? If you have an interest in increasing your libido, especially as a female, this exercise alone can make a marked difference in your arousal. Often, as we age, we have less desire for sex. The change in hormone levels is partly responsible, but as a sex counselor, I hear many other reasons as well. One of the big ones is that the new body doesn’t respond the way the old one used to. Perhaps arousal takes longer. It is so life-affirming to take the time to learn what you like. In addition, when you are with a partner, now you will have a whole body of knowledge to pass onto them of how to please you.
- The Goodnight Hug: Chances are, looking at and touching yourself has gotten you aroused. At this point, you get to decide how to end the date. In my work as a sex coach, I give my clients, additional instruction on how to touch themselves for pleasurable effect. For today, I’ll let you continue with your self-pleasuring however you would like. It would be nice though to continue the mindfulness of noticing how things feel and NOT just rushing towards the end. How long can you stand to feel good? Whenever you decide to stop, a goodnight hug is essential. It helps to ground you back into your body. If you have become aroused, there is blood flowing where it wasn’t before. You might be a little mentally altered-state or lightheaded. Apply firm pressure to all the parts that feel tingly. Nippless, genitals, lips. You will feel yourself begin to calm down. Express appreciation for yourself. Mentally recap all the things that went well and felt good. NO criticizing or finding fault. There is no one right way to do this date, the mere fact that you did it is a big deal. Doing any part of it is a big win! Thank yourself for showing up.
If you do this date on a regular basis, you will fall in love with yourself. From the space of self-love, others will be attracted to you too. By working with myself, or another trained sex coach, you can greatly speed up your learning curve. I know the terrain you are traveling, because I had to traverse it myself. I learned to love myself emotionally and physically. I have become multi-orgasmic, and able to communicate my desires and pleasures to a partner, and you can too.
What Do Men Really Want?
Many clients complain that all the men want younger women, or all the women want rich men. In my experience as a sex coach, and as a single woman, I can tell you that men want a gratified, and appreciative woman. They only gravitate to younger women, because they have not become as jaded by life experiences. Becoming your own divine Lover will help you to be more gratified. Women want a man who is interested in them, and helps them to feel cherished and secure. Money is an easy scorecard, (if he buys me stuff he must love me) but a man who notices things isway more desireable than one who works all the time to become rich. For men, this date trains you to notice the littlest things, the play of light on your muscles, the feel of one fingertip sliding across your skin. It can make you a more skilled lover.
Releasing Old Beliefs
The journey to becoming your own Divine Lover means releasing old beliefs. Sometimes we hold negative experiences and memories in our bodies. Having a witness and a cheerleader can be inspiring, and comforting. As a sex coach, my intention is to mirror back to my clients the beauty they cannot always see in themselves. We celebrate their victories together, when they are tempted to say “that was nothing.” Changing ourselves, developing new habits and boundaries is NOT nothing. I encourage you to become your own divine Lover. You have so much love to give. Don’t wait around for someone to spend it on, start today with yourself.
Get a Free 30 Minute Phone Session
If you are struggling with a lack of self-love or poor body image, or if you want more and better sex, call me today at 828-348-4925 to schedule your complimentary Gratified Life Discovery Session. Together, we can further your journey to sensual self-esteem and authentic sexual expression.