Are you stuck in the Sexual Doldrums?
Dol-drums [dohl-druh mz]
noun, ( used with a plural verb)
- a state of inactivity or stagnation, as in business or art (www.dictionary.com)
Do you feel like your relationship is in The Doldrums? One of the primary complaints we hear from clients is that their long-term relationship has gotten stale. The sexual intimacy that was once so hot, has faded into an emotional closeness with no physical juice. Nice, cozy, fulfilling in some ways, but a part of you is thinking BORED NOW!
Maybe you are single, and all of a sudden that full life of friends, work and volunteering is not enough. You feel restless, irritable and discontent.The grocery store clerk half your age with the tight jeans is looking tasty. Your libido is whispering I WANT THAT!
In these hot, sticky summer days, it is easy to notice where you feel stagnant or stuck. Tempers can sometimes wear thin in the heat. Why not put the long days with their more leisurely pace to good use, by breaking out of any ruts you find yourself in?
Introduce Something New
Doing new things or even doing old things in new ways are all proven methods to improve memory, broaden your mind, and make life better. Studies have shown that doing something new will give us a sense of satisfaction and reward. If you find yourself in the sexual doldrums, it may be time to try new things. Why not experiment with new positions, new toys, a new location, a new language, even a new partner? Introducing change and variety will bring new life to a stagnant situation. Now let’s apply this to your sex life.
There are a plethora of positions in which to have sex. Your local bookstore can turn up a copy of the Kama Sutra, or any typical copy of Cosmo seems to have a couple of the tamer ones listed. The Kama Sutra is an ancient Indian Hindu text written sometime around 300 C.E. The book has been the ‘go to’ guide for sex for centuries, only recently being beaten out by the entire internet. Seriously, five minutes on the web and you’ll have a list of every sexual position possible, and some that require a level of flexibility only seen in a Russian contortionist. Positions are about more than just trying something new, it’s also about reaching new spots, stimulating untapped potential. Not every position is possible for every body, so communicate with your partner and find the ones that work best for you both. Trying them out from a sense of curiosity may lead to hilarity, ecstasy or both!
Novelty is not just for couples. If you want to spice up your personal sex life, how about touching yourself a different way? If you have never used a lubricant, why not play with that? If your habit has been a fast and furious stroke, what happens when you take it realllllly slow? And of course the old standby, use your other hand!
It’s very easy to purchase sex toys online, if you are feeling shy about shopping in your local adult store. When possible, however, I recommend seeing them in person. It can be great fun once you’ve accepted there is nothing wrong with your sexuality. Just walking into a store or perusing online choices can be freeing. “People actually use that?! My desires are positively plain.” From dildos, vibrators and strap-ons to nipple clamps, floggers, and sex swings; toys have been a way to spice up the bedroom fun since the first man bored the first woman in bed.
Again, flying solo? Why wait until you have a partner to have a fun sex life? Toys can be a a lot of fun alone for both men and women. Toys are a fantastic way of managing one’s physical resources. Remember some of those crazier positions? Well, with a toy you can hit all those yummy spots without the contortion routine. There are dildos so you can try different shaped phalluses. There are vibrators so you can try sensations that a human body just can’t make. Butt plugs for anal play. And a host of BDSM toys for everything you can imagine. There isn’t a single toy that is perfect for everyone, results may vary. Try as many as you can afford and remember that sex, like life, is a fun and wonderful journey.
A new location in which to have sex can be as simple as the couch instead of the bed, or as risqué as a frolic in the woods. This can be a truly fun game if you and your partner join imaginations and desires together. Make a list of places you’re interested in doing the deed and check them off as you go. This can be a great learning experience as you rate them for practicality, hotness and repeatability. Car sex, tent sex, hotel room sex, under the waterfall sex, beach sex (not as much fun as it looks in the movies), the list can go on ad infinitum. Limited only by your imagination, and willingness to risk arrest for indecent exposure. And keep in mind sex doesn’t have to be just intercourse. It can be oral, anal, fingers & hand, whatever you’re willing to explore and enjoy.
A new language. Would you role play and make love to your partner while speaking in a foreign accent? Would you actually put in the effort of learning a new language? Are you conservative in your bedroom talk? Perhaps some vulgarity could spice things up.
Role play is a fun add-on for any sex life. The use of language and costumes can add the fun of a new experience, with the benefit of being with an established partner. Work out some fantasies and share them with your partner. They can be as simple as adopting an accent or include a full costume change and make up. The important thing to remember is to have fun and enjoy yourselves. Often we hear the talk of ‘love languages’, which are the ways in which we understand that affection is being expressed; Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. This all translates to sex as well. You may as well call them the five lust languages.
Words of Affirmation: In lust these would be the words spoken that lets your partner know you desire and want them. Make sure you are using the correct type of language. Nothing is a bigger turn off than using ‘vagina’ when she really wants to hear ‘pussy’.
Acts of Service: These can be non-sexual acts that get your partner in the mood, or they can be actual sexual acts that make them feel more wanted and desired. From a sensual backrub to dedicated oral sex, these are the gifts of pleasure you GIVE to your partner so that they are pleased and satisfied.
Receiving Gifts: Remember those toys we talked about earlier? Well when your partner shows a true interest in one, this is the perfect time to deliver a bow wrapped bit of fun. Don’t underestimate the value of giving it in the right manner either. Don’t try to use this when you’re deep in a disagreement, or your parents just made a surprise weekend visit. There is an art to gift giving. Unexpected gifts can be good, poorly timed ones will be wasted. Plan ahead so that you have time to enjoy and appreciate the gift, whether it’s a new pair of sexy shoes, a negligee, or the sex toy that she loves in her favorite color.
Quality Time: You may think anytime you spend rubbing your naked bodies together to be quality time, but consider everything around that time. Choose your sexy times, so that it doesn’t include distractions like work, family or whatever would take attention away from your physical pleasures. Distractions work both ways as well. Make sure when you spend time with your partner that you are there 100% and aren’t lost in your phone or watching TV over their shoulder. Being Present takes all your attention.
Physical Touch: This may seem like a no-brainer, but people still fail to get this one right. It’s not just a matter of making touch, but the right kind. Make sure you’re delivering touch in the right manner. Are you too soft, or too hard? Are you too slow or too fast? Giving and receiving touch in the right way is paramount to enjoying the experience, so make sure to communicate with your partner EXACTLY what you enjoy.
Then there is the New Partner. This option is not for the faint of heart or the troubled relationship. Whether you’re experimenting with a threesome, swinging, an open relationship or polyamory, there is no denying a new sexual partner can get you excited.
For a majority of couples, adding another intimate partner is a major decision. Each way of opening a committed relationship has its own perils and pleasures. Are you considering a threesome? Will it be with a man or a woman? Will it be with a friend or someone you haven’t met yet? What actual physical acts are you comfortable with having? These are hard decisions whose outcomes can be equally epic in their gratification or destruction of your relationship. Above all else, communicate. Talk with your partner about your fantasy, your real world concerns and your desires. It’s better to have these words out before you take any actions.
Swinging is a different lifestyle than just having a threesome. Most threesomes are singular events, and that temporary nature can sometime be desired. Swinging incorporates the casual nature of sexual liaisons even more. It can add variety and adventure to an already strong and committed relationship. Jealousy often becomes an issue to be resolved, but even this volatile emotion can be a catalyst for improving a relationship.
What is Old becomes New again
If the relationship is feeling like you’re in the sexual doldrums, think about how you got to this pattern to start with. Are you still seducing each other? Are you still making that extra effort like when you were first dating? We cannot recapture our youth, but we can recall what drove us into passionate embraces when we first caught each others eye. No matter the method you try out, or the results, the important thing is to not forget the erotic element that you once had, because it can still be yours for the taking.
by Trevor Jones and Rebekah Beneteau