I love the Gottman Institute. Dr.’s John and Julie Gottman have made a lifetime study of marriage, and developed an approach that supports and repairs troubled relationships and strengthens happy ones. Their blog is always informative.
In a recent post, they listed 10 things to try before giving up on your marriage. The first and last three have to do with handling conflict in constructive rather than destructive ways. Numbers 4 – 7 are:
This is what we teach at Pleasure Evolution. We believe that a strong intimate connection strengthens your relationship. Not only that, the lack of good sex can be the underlying cause of conflict. Victor Baranco of Lafayette Morehouse used to say couples were either “f*$#ing or fighting.” Energy that gets stirred up in us through plain old daily living, has to go somewhere. Sexual intimacy is a key issue that often gets relegated to the back burner. Even when a couple is communicating about other things, our bedroom life seems either too big or too small to mention. Our erotic identities are so often shamed by cultural and religious upbringing. It can feel super vulnerable to let our partner know what arouses us. Especially if that something is new to us. Honestly, there is nothing new about sex in all its forms. If you are isolated, it’s easy to feel that you are the ONLY one who likes something. Believe us when we tell you, you aren’t.
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I bet you were thinking, “this is going to be a post about letting go of a past lover.” It’s not. It’s my ruminations about what happens as relationships evolve. When we meet someone, we fall in love with who they are and how we feel when we are with them. It’s delicious, delirious fun. And if you are anything like me, you think the bliss will go on forever. Or at least you hope it does. Isn’t that what the stories promise, happily ever after?
And then somebody or some thing changes. If you are polyamorous, it
could be the emergence of a new lover, with all the new relationship energy (NRE) that comes from that.
It could be a change in the state of one of the existing relationships. Many things affect both poly and monogamous relationships. Aging, stress, health issues, family or job responsibilities. Maybe your partner develops a new passion for a hobby, or religion, or kink. And you find yourself wondering where the person you originally fell in love with went.
I don’t know about other men, but one of the phrases I hated to hear my girlfriend say was, “We need to Talk.”
You could hear the capital T in the word and you knew this wasn’t going to be a fun conversation about the latest television show or what’s happening in the Olympics. I knew this was going to be a deep and long conversation; most likely involving me finding out I had done something, or many things, wrong. It seemed like a prelude to an argument and definitely didn’t put me in the mindset to work on my relationship. It was years later, before we began what I came to call Relationship Maintenance Conversations, or RMC’s.
It’s my practice every morning to meditate and journal. At some point in almost every session, I find my pen racing across the paper, faster than I can think. I ask questions, and express doubts, and the answers emerge. Whether the words come from my inner knowing, or a Higher Being like Abraham or Seth, I’ll let you decide. I call the source The Scarlet Mystic. Here’s this morning’s message, may it help make your journey a little brighter, to know that you aren’t alone.
I started with an affirmation from The Abundance Book, by John Randolph Price (published by Hay House, Inc. 1987). “I am conscious of the Inner Presence as my lavish Abundance. I am conscious of the constant activity of this Mind of Infinite Prosperity. Therefore, my consciousness is filled with the light of Truth.” p 30
The Scarlet Mystic: There is an unlimited field of prosperity just waiting for you to tap into it. See yourself walking into a field of flowers stretching as far as the eye can see. It is up to you to start gathering the blossoms. Pick them, keep picking them until your arms are overflowing. You can’t exhaust the supply. The field will never run out. Put those in some buckets and go back and pick some more. Strew them across your bed, across your path. Walk upon them and let the heady scent of their petals fill your senses. Revel in the beauty, smell, touch, even taste of them.
Worried about losing something you already have?
I was thinking the other day that it may be God’s cosmic joke to make men and women relate to one another, and then put within us such a different set of longings. Women yearn for connection. Men long for freedom.
Will he be a dream or a dud?
Women judge themselves by their relationships, and their attractiveness. Men judge themselves by their production. No matter how hard we might try to give our children different values, they absorb it anyway. When I was a kid, one of the hottest games around was called Mystery Date. And this was during the 70’s, birth of the Women’s Movement. In the game, you would go around the board collecting cards, which were the accoutrements for different kinds of dates. Snorkel gear for the beach. Fancy dress and jewels for the prom. Maybe shorts and basket for a picnic? Periodically, you would land on the special square that allowed you to open the “door” which randomly generated a guy dressed for a certain kind of date. If you had all the right paraphernalia, you won! And one of the guys was a dud, your typical nerd. Of course the joke was on us, that was the guy who became Bill Gates. They still make the game, only now the door is replaced by a cell phone!
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