Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

How Your Brain is Ruining Your Relationships

Does Having Better Relationships Seem Impossible?

Do you find that it’s getting harder and harder to meet people worth dating?

Or maybe you are in a relationship, but when you look over at them, the glow is gone?

Are you wondering IS THIS IT? Am I destined for another break-up, a life alone, or a life of loneliness even though I’m married?

We hear this from so many people that we work with. The single ones looking for lovers say, “Nobody wants me because (fill in the blank). Or “There just aren’t any good ones out there.”

The couples say, “We have a great relationship in so many ways, but we just don’t connect in the bedroom.” Or on the opposite end of the spectrum, “The sex is great, but s/he never says I love you.”

It’s easy to think the problem is all out there, with those other people. But here’s the truth. When you don’t have the love life you desire, the problem is all inside you.

When you don't have the love life you desire, the problem is all inside you. Click To Tweet

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Poly or Mono?

People ask us whether we push the “poly agenda” or the “mono agenda”

The answer is neither.

We firmly believe that your relationship should be a conscious series of decisions rather than defaulting to the majority. People are very individualistic and we think that sexuality and relationships are equally unique.

So ask yourself and your partner what kind of relationship works for you. Ask a LOT of questions and don’t assume anything is understood without inquiry.

Perhaps you and your partner want a monogamous relationship with occasional sexual forays done together or separately. This is sometimes called being “monogamish”. Maybe you enjoy going to sex parties or swinging, but have no intention of forming outside relationships. Polyamory implies that you will have multiple relationships with various degrees of love and commitment.

Thriving relationships require good communication. Polyamory will multiply that need by the amount of partners involved. Both relationship styles will bring up issues, but different ones. An monogamous relationship can bring up issues around boredom, and restriction. A non-monogamous union can trigger feelings due to time limitations, and equality. Jealousy comes up in all relationships, but will be more provocative when there are more lovers in the mix. Poly is definitely not an easier way to get sex. Poly takes effort and vigilance. That is not to say that monogamy doesn’t, simply that polyamory brings the subjects up more often.

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Before You Give Up on Your Marriage – Try This

Saving Your Marriage 101

I love the Gottman Institute. Dr.’s John and Julie Gottman have made a lifetime study of marriage, and developed an approach that supports and repairs troubled relationships and strengthens happy ones. Their blog is always informative.

In a recent post, they listed 10 things to try before giving up on your marriage. The first and last three have to do with handling conflict in constructive rather than destructive ways. Numbers 4 – 7  are:

  • Boost up physical affection
  • Nurture fondness and admiration
  • Spend time together daily and
  • Communicate honestly about key issues in the relationship

This is what we teach at Pleasure Evolution. We believe that a strong intimate connection strengthens your relationship. Not only that, the lack of good sex can be the underlying cause of conflict. Victor Baranco of Lafayette Morehouse used to say couples were either “f*$#ing or fighting.” Energy that gets stirred up in us through plain old daily living, has to go somewhere. Sexual intimacy is a key issue that often gets relegated to the back burner. Even when a couple is communicating about other things, our bedroom life seems either too big or too small to mention. Our erotic identities are so often shamed by cultural and religious upbringing. It can feel super vulnerable to let our partner know what arouses us. Especially if that something is new to us. Honestly, there is nothing new about sex in all its forms. If you are isolated, it’s easy to feel that you are the ONLY one who likes something. Believe us when we tell you, you aren’t.

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When You’re Still in Love with That Guy (or Gal)

Letting Go

I bet you were thinking, “this is going to be a post about letting go of a past lover.” It’s not. It’s my ruminations about what happens as relationships evolve. When we meet someone, we fall in love with who they are and how we feel when we are with them. It’s delicious, delirious fun. And if you are anything like me, you think the bliss will go on forever. Or at least you hope it does. Isn’t that what the stories promise, happily ever after?

And then somebody or some thing changes. If  you are polyamorous, it
could be the emergence of a new lover, with all the new relationship energy (NRE) that comes from that.
It could be a change in the state of one of the existing relationships. Many things affect both poly and monogamous relationships. Aging, stress, health issues, family or job responsibilities. Maybe your partner develops a new passion for a hobby, or religion, or kink. And you find yourself wondering where the person you originally fell in love with went.

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Honey, we need to TALK – The Relationship Maintenance Conversation


He Said:

I don’t know about other men, but one of the phrases I hated to hear my girlfriend say was, “We need to Talk.”

You could hear the capital T in the word and you knew this wasn’t going to be a fun conversation about the latest television show or what’s happening in the Olympics. I knew this was going to be a deep and long conversation; most likely involving me finding out I had done something, or many things, wrong. It seemed like a prelude to an argument and definitely didn’t put me in the mindset to work on my relationship. It was years later, before we began what I came to call Relationship Maintenance Conversations, or RMC’s.

She said:

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Asheville, NC
(828) 348-4925


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