Posts Tagged ‘kink’

Why do people like “Degrading Sex?”

Humiliation and Degrading Sex

This topic has been up lately, as we recently got a message from a man who wanted to understand a desire his partner was expressing. Basically, it boiled down to “what’s up with degradation, rough sex, or rape scenarios?” We also had a letter from a woman, who was feeling badly about how turned on she got from degrading sex. First off, science has not yet discovered why certain stimuli, over others, light up the arousal center in the brain. People are turned on by all kinds of things. So we tell our clients that no source of turn-on is shameful. If you can allow yourself to feel the arousal, then you can decide if you want to leave it in the realm of imagination, or act on it. There are a few underlying reasons that are commonly found, but the truth is, it’s just is a part of your make-up, and the more you try to repress it, the more persistent and taboo it becomes.

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The Benefits of BDSM: Part II

In my last posting I described some of the benefits of BDSM as a part of your sexual bag of tricks.

Some things you can do with a pro kink trainerIn this article, I’d like to specifically address the advantages of seeking a professional, experienced coach in your journey to sexual awakening.

Primarily, the greatest advantage is safety.  While sex has its inherent dangers, BDSM brings a host of additional concerns.  Like any adventure, you want to be well versed in the use of new equipment so that you can get the most joy out of it. You’ll want to learn proper use and care for kink equipment so that it lasts. And with so many different kinks, having a guide to take you through them can make the overwhelming choices much more fun to navigate.

Let’s talk about safety…

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Benefits of BDSM: Part I

blindfoldsBDSM (Bondage/Dominance/Sadism/Masochism) isn’t for everyone, but if you’re reading this article, odds are you’re curious or have already dabbled in it.  Most people have a tendency towards either dominant or submissive appetites. Rather than spend half the article on definitions and boring facts that you can dig up anywhere online, I’d like to tell of my experiences. In this post, I’ll talk about some of the possible benefits of playing in the submissive role.

I’ll start with “Wallace”.  This client was a high-powered investor who made six figure incomes into seven figure incomes.  Any moment, a decision he made at work could make a fortune or cost someone their life savings.  It was a pressure cooker of a job. Dozens of younger people surrounded him, just waiting for his eventual mistake so they could take his place.  Many times, he did make mistakes that cost people money, but his job protected him legally.  For most in his line of work, it was just numbers on a computer screen or a data sheet, but he saw it differently.  He saw the hard work people put into their savings and knew they depended on him to make good choices so they were prepared for the future.

All of this added up to a great deal of pressure and control that Wallace had to maintain during his daily work routine and it was getting to him.  He needed a release.  He wanted to give up control for a short period, and he wanted punishment for his mistakes.  Now I won’t go into the psychological symbolism, or delve into analytical dissection of his psyche.  What I did offer him was release from stress and pressures.

Per our negotiations, Wallace was stripped and bound. He was helpless and unable to move.  All control taken from him. He was at the mercy of another.  This alone helped him relax and achieve a respite from the pressures of his job.  An agreed upon punishment was then administered (40 lashes) and a verbal script was followed that gave him the closure he needed to alleviate guilt.  With each strike of the lash he came down from his headspace and became more centered.  At the end, he experienced an emotional release that was both cleansing and purifying.

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50 Shades and the Rest of Us

6964938-melting-ice-cube-over-female-skin-in-low-key One night at a party, someone I had just met made a comment I hear a lot.  Inevitably, when people hear I am a sex and pleasure coach, they say something like “Oh, you must love Fifty Shades of Grey.” Well, no actually, I think it’s poorly written and a gross misrepresentation of the world of BDSM (which stands for bondage, domination, sadism and masochism), but I’ll save that rant for another time.    I give E.L. James all due credit for completing three books and getting them published, which is a monumental task under the best of circumstances, not to mention a series where the protagonist is a hardcore sadist. What I want to know is, when did kink become synonymous with sensuality? And what is the real curiosity underlying their question?

I think what they really want to understand is how can they give themselves permission to be turned on by something that seems taboo. How can they cultivate that level of turn-on that Anastasia Steele displays, where one is titillated and ready for sex at any moment? How do the average Dick and Jane accomplish that level of erotic intensity? (Handsome 27-year old billionaires and 23 year-old virgins being somewhat scarce)

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