Is familiarity breeding contempt? Now that the flush (and hormone release) of new love is gone, does your sex life seem flat? Here are ten ways to bring new life to an old love.
1. Be Deliberate and Invest
This one is the foundation for all the others. It’s easy in an established relationship to take sex and romance for granted. After all, your partner is always around. Sex is supposed to just happen and usually at the end of a long day. DECIDE that you are going to make your sex life a priority.
Now that your sex life is a priority, plan it into your month, week or even day! Get out your I-phones, make a date, and stick to it. Make an agreement with your partner that you will not let each other off the hook, when the time comes. Finding other things to do that are “more important” is just resistance. Acknowledge the feelings, and do the date anyway. You can modify what you are going to do; it might be more in line with where you are at to cuddle than to rip each other’s clothes off.
3. Create Anticipation
To have more fun in your sex life, you can add more fun experiences, or you can get more enjoyment from the ones you are already having. Anticipation can be a great time. Send each other little notes or texts leading up to the date. As you walk by your partner, whisper in their ear, “two days and counting. . .” Buy something special to wear. When the day comes, prepare your space, with flowers, treats, and wine or juice in the nice glassware.
4. Take Turns
One of the most gratifying ways to have really great sex is when both people’s attention is on one person’s pleasure. Usually, we have half our minds on feeling ourselves, half on trying to please our partner, and the other half on our chore list, and what to make for dinner. No wonder we feel like sex is work. When you plan the date, decide who is going to be the giver, and who is going to be the receiver. Plan another date when the roles reverse. See the next two tips for more details.
5. Make Each Date Stand Alone
Bartering and “keeping it equal” is really destructive to pleasure. Give up the “I’ll I do this for you if you do that” conversations. No one wants to pay for pleasure (unless you do! See tip # 8 — role playing). Women are generally more starved for opportunities to receive. Men get great self-esteem from taking a woman to ecstasy. Whoever is receiving, take it all in and acknowledge how great it feels. Giver, take your pleasure from the feeling of your partner’s body and the sensations you are creating in them. With practice, you can feel it all through your body. And let go of “next time it’s my turn, so nobody owes anybody anything when you are done.
6. Give Until it Feels Good
Take your pleasure from pleasing your partner. Know where your no is and don’t go beyond it. You don’t do anyone any good by going beyond you boundaries, or giving beyond your surplus. If you are touching your partner in ways to fell goo to YOUR mouth, YOUR hand, they will feel it. If it’s turning you on, it will feel good to them too.
7. Ask For What You Want
It’s so easy to get into a rut with a familiar partner. Kiss behind right ear, fondle left breast, insert, repeat. Be attentive to your inner impulses and ask for things. Would you touch my (fill in the blank)? Would you use (firm, tickly, slow, fast ) touch? Can I touch your (body part here)? Talk more in general. Describing how good something feels is another way to turn up the heat and it gives your partner more information on how to please you.
8. Role Play
Now that you have started asking for what you want, why not address the sixth sense – conceptual thought? Pretending to pick each other up in a bar, or hiring each other for sex can add a lot of fun. It creates all the excitement of a new and strange lover, without the risk. Try acting out the deliveryman and the bored housewife or the teacher and the naughty school boy. Feeling shy? Start with just telling each other your fantasies or creating one together.
9. Take Responsibility for Your Own Turn-On
The greatest gift you can give your partner is your turned on body. Don’t wait until you are in the bedroom and then expect to go from zero to sixty. Talk about pressure! Be already warmed up. Maybe that means watching a movie or reading erotica. plenty of turn-on to be found in novels, and I’m fond of vampires myself. Take care of your body with enough sleep, nourishment and exercise. Every day, touch yourself everywhere, from toes to top of head, and notice how your skin comes alive. (For body pampering lotions, check out my Avon store at www.youravon.com/dbeneteau).
10. Let Go of the Past
What is this doing on a list of sex tips? It’s here because thoughts unspoken are barriers to true intimacy. Holding onto old disappointments and resentments can keep you from feeling love and turn-on for your partner. The past can be five years ago, or five minutes. The longer we are with someone, the more of these little niggling (or big betrayals) there are. You can CHOOSE to let it go. Not for them, for you. “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.” (source unknown). Maybe you need a ritual to help you let it go. Write everything out and then burn it. Use a communication technique like withholds or is there more? (more on these another time) to speak things out loud with the agreement that the other person will only listen, not agree or disagree, or judge you.
Holding onto the good, romanticized past doesn’t serve you either. Especially as we age, sex gets different. If you are constantly longing to recreate the first time with your partner (or even worse with some other partner before them) when you spent a solid two days in bed, you are missing the present. It doesn’t matter how great that past sex was, the best sex ever is what’s happening right NOW! The past is history. The future is a mystery. This moment is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.
I hope that you make use of these tips to create the sex life you long for. And if you are looking for a Mentor to accompany you on this journey and keep you accountable to yourself and your desires, visit http://pleasureevolution.com/coaching to schedule your complimentary Gratified Life Assessment Call today.