Springtime! Love is in the air! Energy is abundant. The animal kingdom is in rut and if you’ve not felt the least bit more alive and/or horny see a doctor and have your pulse checked. This is a great time to allow your sexuality to flower. What desires have you had on the back burner, that you can allow to Spring to life?
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During our recent trip to Frolicon 2015 in Atlanta, Trevor and I attended a panel called Polyamory 202, in which the presenter outlined some of the issues that crop in “long-term” poly relationships. Although she had good things to say about all the usual topics of time, jealousy and compersion, I was sorry not to hear a discussion about sex in poly relationships.
Not one to wait for someone else, I thought I would start the conversation. Poly relationships can be a mixed bag when it comes to sex. On the one hand, you have the opportunity to get sexual and sensual needs met by more than one partner. If you enjoy something alternative that one partner doesn’t, for example kink, you can get that need met by one person, and have your needs for sweet slow sex met by another. Obviously, the sex is going to be different with each of your partners, and if you have multiple lovers, the possibility exists that you will get more sex than you might if you only had one. Or not.
In my last posting I described some of the benefits of BDSM as a part of your sexual bag of tricks.
In this article, I’d like to specifically address the advantages of seeking a professional, experienced coach in your journey to sexual awakening.
Primarily, the greatest advantage is safety. While sex has its inherent dangers, BDSM brings a host of additional concerns. Like any adventure, you want to be well versed in the use of new equipment so that you can get the most joy out of it. You’ll want to learn proper use and care for kink equipment so that it lasts. And with so many different kinks, having a guide to take you through them can make the overwhelming choices much more fun to navigate.
Let’s talk about safety…
BDSM (Bondage/Dominance/Sadism/Masochism) isn’t for everyone, but if you’re reading this article, odds are you’re curious or have already dabbled in it. Most people have a tendency towards either dominant or submissive appetites. Rather than spend half the article on definitions and boring facts that you can dig up anywhere online, I’d like to tell of my experiences. In this post, I’ll talk about some of the possible benefits of playing in the submissive role.
I’ll start with “Wallace”. This client was a high-powered investor who made six figure incomes into seven figure incomes. Any moment, a decision he made at work could make a fortune or cost someone their life savings. It was a pressure cooker of a job. Dozens of younger people surrounded him, just waiting for his eventual mistake so they could take his place. Many times, he did make mistakes that cost people money, but his job protected him legally. For most in his line of work, it was just numbers on a computer screen or a data sheet, but he saw it differently. He saw the hard work people put into their savings and knew they depended on him to make good choices so they were prepared for the future.
All of this added up to a great deal of pressure and control that Wallace had to maintain during his daily work routine and it was getting to him. He needed a release. He wanted to give up control for a short period, and he wanted punishment for his mistakes. Now I won’t go into the psychological symbolism, or delve into analytical dissection of his psyche. What I did offer him was release from stress and pressures.
Per our negotiations, Wallace was stripped and bound. He was helpless and unable to move. All control taken from him. He was at the mercy of another. This alone helped him relax and achieve a respite from the pressures of his job. An agreed upon punishment was then administered (40 lashes) and a verbal script was followed that gave him the closure he needed to alleviate guilt. With each strike of the lash he came down from his headspace and became more centered. At the end, he experienced an emotional release that was both cleansing and purifying.
How to Transform Anger in Intimate Relationships
Two of the biggest obstacles to good sex are anger and resentment. The difference between the two is that resentment is anger felt but not expressed. We get angry when we feel agreements have been broken, expectations disappointed, or boundaries trespassed. Resentment is when we keep nursing that anger over time.
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