One of the most common goals that our clients have is “to be able to communicate my desires to my partner.” Helping people find their voice is something we are passionate about. Why? Because we’ve been there. We both were in long-term relationships where we found it hard to ask for what we wanted, and even when we did, we often didn’t get it.
This could be a whole article in itself. To bottom line is, there are lots of reasons why it’s hard to ask for what we want, such as:
I’m just going to address number 5 today, the How.
How Can We Ask for What We Want. . . and Get It?
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This is a very common complaint from clients. The men want to “make” their woman cum from f#*king. The women think they should be able to orgasm from penetration. (All those movies can’t be wrong, right? Not even talking about porn here. Every Hollywood movie has people flinging off their clothes, doing it up against the wall, and leaving her a satisfied puddle) Let’s set the record straight. This is the cosmic irony of sex. A man puts his most sensitive part, the penis containing 4,000 nerve endings designed to register touch, into the woman’s least sensitive part. That’s right, the vaginal canal has only a few nerve endings, and these are receptors for temperature and pressure, but not pleasure. By contrast, the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings and the anus has 3000, all designed to register touch.
The other morning, Trevor sank deep inside me with a groan, eyes closing. A hidden struggle was going on within him. “Every time, I keep hoping it won’t be this intense.” What?” I asked. “The pleasure…when it’s with someone I love.” I was so touched to hear that. And it got me thinking. We aren’t alone. For most couples during intercourse she is trying desperately to feel everything, in an attempt to achieve orgasm. He is trying to feel LESS to avoid having an orgasm first and ending the encounter. He is avoiding pleasure and trying to help her orgasm, and risks getting less and less present to her and the moment. The more turned on she gets, the harder it gets for him to stay detached. As a woman, I feel trapped in this bind, if I really give in to my pleasure, will he get too excited? Will it end before I am halfway there? But minimizing the pleasure is a no-win for everyone.
Why Some Women Orgasm From Intercourse
Whenever someone asks us if we are pushing the sexual envelope too much I remind them of how far we’ve come already and accomplished in our society. Here is a little reminder of one of the pioneers that helped change the way we see sex in today’s world.
Last Friday, we had lovely Being Social. I am always so touched to witness how a group of strangers walk in nervous and unsure, and by the end of the evening they are sharing things that not even their oldest friends know. It’s because we create safety. The structure of the games makes it easier to relax. They are adaptions of a creation of Lafayette Morehouse called a Mark Group, which in turn utilized exercises supposedly from Dianetics. The context is a concept from Shalom Mountain, “Love is an Intention.” In a fun way, we practice the skills of being Loving, and we feel more love. One of the things that is the most fun to watch is seeing how people flower under positive regard. When a woman is shown genuine interest and attention, her smile lights up the room. A man asked questions about his purpose in the world sits up a little straighter.
Tomorrow is the end of our first Northeast tour for Pleasure Evolution. We had been to Philadelphia a few months ago and had a really successful couple of events. Sooo, now we squeezed 5 events into 12 days in New York and Philadelphia. Two Being Socials, taught a class, and facilitated two tantra circles with play parties. In between, we saw friends, Rebekah’s family, and saw private clients.
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