We made this video last week for our Youtube channel PleasureEvolutionTV, to share some thoughts on how to have a great sex-life whether you have a partner or not.
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I bet you were thinking, “this is going to be a post about letting go of a past lover.” It’s not. It’s my ruminations about what happens as relationships evolve. When we meet someone, we fall in love with who they are and how we feel when we are with them. It’s delicious, delirious fun. And if you are anything like me, you think the bliss will go on forever. Or at least you hope it does. Isn’t that what the stories promise, happily ever after?
And then somebody or some thing changes. If you are polyamorous, it
could be the emergence of a new lover, with all the new relationship energy (NRE) that comes from that.
It could be a change in the state of one of the existing relationships. Many things affect both poly and monogamous relationships. Aging, stress, health issues, family or job responsibilities. Maybe your partner develops a new passion for a hobby, or religion, or kink. And you find yourself wondering where the person you originally fell in love with went.
We all know what a wall flower is right?
Wikipedia, that great repository of knowledge, describes it:
“A wallflower is someone with an introverted personality type, but who still seeks out and partakes in social events on a fairly regular basis. They are often socially competent enough to be liked and to attend group gatherings, but may choose or feel the need to blend in and remain silent.”
The term originally was used almost 200 years ago referring to women that stood against the wall during a dance. In today’s world it has come to refer to anyone that attends a social gathering but doesn’t seem to mingle, instead remaining solitary with only minimal interaction. I’ve been there. Few people that know me today can imagine that I was as shy and awkward as I describe myself. I had planned once to attend a local social group that met monthly at a restaurant. Over the course of six months I found myself outside the restaurant trying to work up the courage to go in. A few times I made it right up to the doors, looking in, yearning to be part of something and fearing to make that last few steps.
Here is a letter that I received from a prospective client.
I am 60 and my wife is 48. The problem is, she no longer wants to have sex. We have a great relationship in so many
photo courtesy of Nancy Adiar via Flickr (creative commons license)
ways, we enjoy each others’ company and we have been married a long time. In the early days, we were f*&$ing like rabbits. Now, she will give me a blow job once in a while and seems content to have this part of our lives die off, but I’m not. I masturbate frequently but it’s not fulfilling. I want to have sex with my wife, hot and heavy like we used to. What can I do?
So I was in the tub this morning, and my brain was going a million miles an hour. Do you know that feeling? The one where you are having conversations with people who aren’t there, trying desperately to figure out how a situation is going to turn out. Or in my case as a recovering control freak, imagining that I can have just the right response or reaction (when said conversation does happen in real life) that will turn circumstances in my favor. I have this preference for pleasure, and therefore am often seeking ways to avoid pain. Here I was, in my luxurious bathtub, and I was anxious. My mind was like a box of ferrets, thoughts scrambling over each other, clawing for my attention.
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