What men want & why they don’t get it

I  meet a lot of men at networking events.  Many of them hear what I do and say, “Gosh I wish my wife would work with you.  She just doesn’t seem to enjoy our sex life. ” When I ask them to tell me more, they say, she doesn’t believe me when I tell her how sexy and beautiful she is. Ladies, are you listening?  Men love women.  They want us.  They don’t see the flaws we do when we look in the mirror, and even if they do, they don’t see why this should stand in the way of some perfectly good action in the bedroom. The next question the men often ask is “How can I get her to work with you?” The bad news is, you really can’t.  As soon as a man suggests it, the woman will get all bristly, because she thinks he finds her inadequate. I certainly would.

Portrait of unhappy young couple in bedroom

These men are longing for the connection they feel when they have sex with their partner.  More than that, they want us to enjoy it too, because it’s no fun making love to someone who’s just going through the motions.  I was one of those women.  I made love when I didn’t feel like it because a) it was his birthday, b) we hadn’t done it in a while, c) we hadn’t done it in forever, or d) because I was afraid he’d cheat or leave if I didn’t put out. It wasn’t always a drag, but it wasn’t as fulfilling as it could be, and I think he could tell. The more I was disengaged, the more he would ask for sex. Is this sounding familiar?  He kept coming back, hoping for a really fun time where he got to feel like a hero for making me writhe with passion.  There’s a reason they call it scoring.  Men keep score of their achievements, and making a woman orgasm earns big points.

Why don’t women show up for sex, especially when they seemed to like it in the beginning? 

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50 Shades and the Rest of Us

6964938-melting-ice-cube-over-female-skin-in-low-key One night at a party, someone I had just met made a comment I hear a lot.  Inevitably, when people hear I am a sex and pleasure coach, they say something like “Oh, you must love Fifty Shades of Grey.” Well, no actually, I think it’s poorly written and a gross misrepresentation of the world of BDSM (which stands for bondage, domination, sadism and masochism), but I’ll save that rant for another time.    I give E.L. James all due credit for completing three books and getting them published, which is a monumental task under the best of circumstances, not to mention a series where the protagonist is a hardcore sadist. What I want to know is, when did kink become synonymous with sensuality? And what is the real curiosity underlying their question?

I think what they really want to understand is how can they give themselves permission to be turned on by something that seems taboo. How can they cultivate that level of turn-on that Anastasia Steele displays, where one is titillated and ready for sex at any moment? How do the average Dick and Jane accomplish that level of erotic intensity? (Handsome 27-year old billionaires and 23 year-old virgins being somewhat scarce)

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Breaking the Silence: Talking About Sex

Sometimes, I’ll meet someone new and they’ll say, “Oh what you do is so fantastic.  A lot of people need to get more in touch with their sensuality.”  Then I will say, “How’s your sex life?” and they will look totally shocked.  I understand.  We are accustomed to small talk, with most people.  Our sex lives, we feel, are private.  Nobody’s business.  But what happens when the sex isn’t working?  What are we to do when we want things in the bedroom and don’t know how to ask for them? How about those of  you who want more or less sex than your partner, and the arguments about this leave you both scarred and angry? How long can you keep silent, enduring the discomfort of unfulfilled longing, or the fear of losing your partner because you can’t figure out how to resolve this yourselves?

  • The first thing to know is, you are not alone. Sexual disorders and dysfunction affect as much as 50% of the population.
  • There are solutions available. Almost all difficulties in the bedroom such as low libido, failure to achieve orgasm, erectile dysfunction, or painful intercourse have either a physical or psychological source
  • Breaking your silence with a trained professional is the first step in finding answers.  In the 1960s a woman who couldn’t achieve orgasm was labelled irretrievably frigid. You no longer have to suffer in silence.
  • Sex and sensuality coaching are all-natural remedies. Although chemical solutions for women are being worked on, and viagra is omnipresent, many sexual dysfunctions can be addressed through education, talk, and body work.

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Nice Girls Can Talk About Sex

Woman Actually Want Sex

We really can’t deny it any longer. Women are interested in sex. Take a look at these statistics on romance novel readerships (courtesy of Romance Writers of America):

  • Romance fiction generated $1.438 billion in sales in 2012.
  • Romance was the top-performing category on the best-seller lists in 2012 (across the NYT, USA Today, and PW best-seller lists).
  • Romance fiction sales are estimated at $1.350 billion for 2013.
  • 74.8 million people read at least one romance novel in 2008. (source: RWA Reader Survey)

Romance Novels Are Dripping with Sex

Oh, you say, but these are romance novels. They are about finding love, and catching the hunky prince/ceo/pirate. Obviously, you haven’t read one. The pages are oozing with graphic sex. Always the land of heaving bosoms and creamy thighs, most of today’s romance novels feature phrases like “The secrets of her femininity lay bare in front of him, the sweet scent of her arousal filled his head. He rubbed one finger down the center of her, circling the exposed bead, then plunging into her glistening moistness.”* Yes, and Fifty Shades of Grey has been on The New York Times Best Sellers list for over 100 straight weeks. (Well, maybe not so straight, er, consecutive).

But Why Aren’t Woman Experiencing Orgasms?

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Dancing in the Flow of Eros Playshop

Imagine a Full Body Orgasm

If you are curious about how to amp up your own erotic energy come and join us.

If you are curious about how to amp up your own erotic energy come and join us.

I didn’t start out a fan of tantra. It seemed murky, this energy sex thing. Give me good old hands on genitals, mouth on erogenous zones, your hardness inside my warmth. And then I learned the masculine-feminine breath. It would be too long to go into here, (perhaps a topic for  future video) but suffice it to say that it works just great! Can you imagine having a full body orgasm just from gazing soulfully into your lovers eyes and breathing in sync?

A New Playshop!

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Pleasure Evolution
Asheville, NC
(828) 348-4925
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