How to Open Again to Love

Are you feeling like a failure at relationships?

When my marriage to my first husband ended after ten years together, I definitely felt like I had failed at relationships. In fact, I thought my romantic life had come to an end. I was almost forty years old, impoverished, and raising two small children mostly alone. Who would ever want me as a partner? Cindy Baranco, the leader of Lafayette Morehouse, said to me in a course, “What makes a woman attractive is looking like she can be gratified. What makes her beautiful is being gratified already.”

So I stopped whining and trying to sell my loser story (no one in my community was buying it anyway). I went about making my life as gratifying as it could be. I took a lot of classes, and got to know my turn-ons and my orgasms better. Eighteen months later, I met Marc, who would become husband number two. Obviously, none of the excuses I had made up about why I was unlovable were real. I showed him my authentic self, neuroses and all, and he wanted to be with me. Mostly, he loved my mind, and my passion for exploring the interplay of masculine and feminine. Almost ten years later, he and I split up. Yes, ten years seemed to be my expiration date on relationships.

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Are you begging for love?

Am I lovable?

Obviously, this is typical ground for a relationship coach to travel. My clients come to me because they want to express more of their sexuality, or they want to find a partner who is going to give them the kind of love they desire. Couples come because they want more connection, or a different kind of sex than what they’ve been used to. And the number one question is, “Can I find the love I am looking for?”

And we are all (I include myself in this) looking for love outside of ourselves. Now, I’m not going to give you the rap that you have to enjoy being single. No way. Our DNA, our biology, yearns to perpetuate the species. We want to bond, we want to have sex (even if it’s not just for baby making anymore). I’m saying, there is a better way to get into relationships in the first place. There’s an old saying that men give love to get sex, and women give sex to get love. I have seen this happen, so it appears true to me. Also, in both cases, there is an exchange. Again, looking for the love outside of ourselves. Giving one thing and hoping to get something back.

One of my mentors, Vic Baranco used to say “People get married and divorced for the same reason. Loneliness.” I think it’s actually the core reason most people come to me. They want to put an end to feeling alone. So this idea of giving the love we want to get is on my mind. And I’m realizing that the only way out of the true trap of loneliness is by giving it to ourselves.

People get married and divorced for the same reason. Loneliness. - Vic Baranco Click To Tweet

As my recent lovership of almost three years is transitioning, I’m looking at who I have been in that partnership, and others.

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Why We Need a Consent Culture

What is Consent Culture?

A He Says – She Says Post

Rebekah says – Recently, I have either been the victim of, or a witness to, several “violations of consent.” In case you have never heard this term, it refers to an incident of touching another person without receiving their agreement to be touched. In most BDSM clubs and communities, consent is a requirement. In our events and especially our play parties, touching someone without their consent is grounds for being ejected.

First of all, why is this even an issue? You don’t touch other people’s things is one of those rules drummed into us from very early childhood. Every toddler has at one time been told this as they grabbed for the crystal candy dish at Grandma’s house. People’s bodies should carry an even stricter proviso. And yet there is a sense of entitlement to touching other people. We seek the comfort of physical connection, so we touch first, without thinking of what the other person may want. Pregnant women experience this, that somehow that belly goes into the public domain. In other situations, hugging is expected when greeting and leave taking. In best case scenarios, consent is at least sought non-verbally. if you don’t want to be hugged, I encourage you to say, “I’m not feeling like a hug right now. Thanks.” remember that no is a complete sentence.

No is a complete sentence. Click To Tweet

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How Your Brain is Ruining Your Relationships

Does Having Better Relationships Seem Impossible?

Do you find that it’s getting harder and harder to meet people worth dating?

Or maybe you are in a relationship, but when you look over at them, the glow is gone?

Are you wondering IS THIS IT? Am I destined for another break-up, a life alone, or a life of loneliness even though I’m married?

We hear this from so many people that we work with. The single ones looking for lovers say, “Nobody wants me because (fill in the blank). Or “There just aren’t any good ones out there.”

The couples say, “We have a great relationship in so many ways, but we just don’t connect in the bedroom.” Or on the opposite end of the spectrum, “The sex is great, but s/he never says I love you.”

It’s easy to think the problem is all out there, with those other people. But here’s the truth. When you don’t have the love life you desire, the problem is all inside you.

When you don't have the love life you desire, the problem is all inside you. Click To Tweet

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Thoughts on Freedom

Land of the Free

memorial-day-clipart-Memorial-Day-Clipart-2It is Memorial Day Weekend, the time when we remember those who lost their lives during military service. Floating all around social media is the meme that they died to protect our freedom. I’m not going to write about the complicated topic of the military industrial complex, or why wars are fought. My father was a veteran. I respect and appreciate all the men and women who agreed to do a job where the risk was so high, and who paid that price. I grieve for the families that are left behind. What I want to talk about is FREEDOM. How free are we? And what are we doing with this freedom?

Since this is Pleasure Evolution, you know where we’re going with this. The suffragettes who chained themselves to the white house fence and went on hunger strikes in prison, eventually gaining women the right to vote. The feminists who marched and lobbied and got the ERA passed. The activists that rebelled at Stonewall paving the way for gay rights. Trans activists, and sadly numerous murder victims or suicides who bring awareness of their plight to the consciousness of all. We stand on the shoulders of those who fought for our sexual freedom.

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(828) 348-4925
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