Does Having Better Relationships Seem Impossible?

Do you find that it’s getting harder and harder to meet people worth dating?

Or maybe you are in a relationship, but when you look over at them, the glow is gone?

Are you wondering IS THIS IT? Am I destined for another break-up, a life alone, or a life of loneliness even though I’m married?

We hear this from so many people that we work with. The single ones looking for lovers say, “Nobody wants me because (fill in the blank). Or “There just aren’t any good ones out there.”

The couples say, “We have a great relationship in so many ways, but we just don’t connect in the bedroom.” Or on the opposite end of the spectrum, “The sex is great, but s/he never says I love you.”

It’s easy to think the problem is all out there, with those other people. But here’s the truth. When you don’t have the love life you desire, the problem is all inside you.

When you don't have the love life you desire, the problem is all inside you. Click To Tweet

That is both the good news and the bad. It’s bad news if you don’t want to work on yourself, if you aren’t willing to let go of bad habits. The good news is, the solution is something that is in your power to influence. You control freaks who have beaten your head against the wall trying to get your partner to change know what I’m talking about. Lord, I know what I’m talking about. So, this is good news! You can stop working so hard to influence other people’s behavior or earn love. You just have to change your mindset.

So how exactly is your BRAIN ruining your relationships?

Imagine a scenario when you experienced a disappointment. Maybe your partner wasn’t available for you. Your last four OK Cupid connections never made it to a real live date. Something happened. And then you and your inventive brain made up a story about why that thing happened. The stories are usually trying to make sense out of a situation, so they will place blame. Blame on yourself, like “I’m too (pushy, old, fat, smart).” Or on them “They are (dumb, spineless, selfish).” Oh the lists can go on and on.

Self-blame instantly makes you feel worse about yourself, and therefore less attractive. Less confident. Even worse is blaming others. Do you know that obsessing thinking that happens when you start making your case for how the other person wronged you? The list of their “sins” gets longer and longer. When you start thinking about all the ways your partner or prospective partner is failing you or not measuring up, you find them less attractive. And here’s a truth, people can sense how you feel about them, even when you don’t speak the words.

Here's a truth. People can sense how you feel about them, even when you don't speak the words. Click To Tweet

What usually happens next? You try to fix things. You try to get them or you to DO things better. But you aren’t fixing the problem on the level it was created, inside your mind.

How to tame your brain

The solution is to tame the savage beast that is your mind.When you find yourself thinking negatively, be ruthless with yourself. Try one or more of these techniques

  1.  You can name it, thinking, and then let the thought go.
  2.  Think another thought that’s better. Go watch a cat video, or visit your garden. Just get yourself somewhere mentally happy.
  3.  Make a list of the positive attributes of that person or situation.
  4. Change your focus from what you don’t want, to what you do. Imagine it unfolding just as you want it, in vivid detail.
  5. And while you are at it, be grateful, because this experience of what you don’t want is there to sharpen your ideas about what you do want.

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

When you change the direction of your thoughts, you will change your feelings, which will change your experience. When you act from a place of positivity, you are more likely to attract what you want. Try it out. Next time someone doesn’t call, instead of resenting them, think of all the reasons you like them. You’ll be amazed when the phone suddenly rings. When you want your partner to be more loving, think more lovingly of them, and watch as they come in your direction.

Let us know in the comments below what you think.